Random Reflections (or Why I'm a Psycho)

Whenever I am going through a "hard time" I immediately cut myself off- my normally extroverted self becomes freakishly introverted and I do everything in my power to disappear. On occasion I may reach out to some old soul for some clarity, but the majority of the time I lean on no one but myself. There is absolutely nothing chivalrous about it, its simply how I am most comfortable- very rarely allowing anyone to get too close, and keeping even my closest friends a firm arms length away.
A lot of the time it comes down to that hideous word "vulnerability"-- BLLEECH!!! I have a physical reaction just to see that word on paper. I loathe it- conceptually and otherwise. Someone once told me "you are incapable of letting others see you when you are vulnerable" and I actually shuddered and threw up in my mouth a little.
If all the worlds a stage at my worst moments I am one helluva player, slapping on a smile and cheery disposition when it feels like my insides may explode. This dangerous game of self preservation can be exhausting... exhausting and never-ending. Though it is a role I choose to play, I feel like Jerry Seinfeld- eternally locked into this version of myself.
Perhaps it has something to do with being the oldest child- being the strong and independent one; or maybe it is my Geminian tendency to keep my relationships more superficial and less personal. Though I am all too happy to be the 2am phone call for my friends, I hardly ever reciprocate. It has nothing to do with my friends and everything to do with my own neurosis.
Difficult as times may be, I despise empty reassurances.Phrases like "it'll all work out" and "everything happens for a reason" make me wanna vomit. Sometimes you just want to hear "yah, that fucking sucks" and "what the fuck is wrong with the world?" I may be an optimistic idealist, but sometimes life sucks. So just say that... that, and "lets go get a god damn pint!"